somtum

Once upon a time, a man went forth into the town of Melbournihem to purchase the next iteration of the holy operating system, known to all as the Almighty Snow Leopard. After travelling for many minutes in a steel-wheeled chariot, he did arrive, and exchanged the necessary gold coins for the silver disc from the merchant of holy relics.

On returning to his home, the man performed a small ritual in front of the altar of the Lord Jobs Almighty, placing the silver disc in its side. After an hour of meditation on the word of the Lord Jobs, progress had still not come.

And on the sixth reboot, the Lord Jobs said: “Take this, the dock and the menu bar, but also have this spinning colour wheel, for eternity.”

And the man followed him into the functionality- and menu bar-free desert with the spinning colour wheel, and said: “My Jobs! Why have you forsaken me?”

And the Lord Jobs replied: “LMFAO LOL, can haz bofh livur transplantings and yr cash now fr substandard upgradings, kthxbai”

The man knew not of why he had been forsaken. But he rejoiced, for salvation lay within the sacred white ark adorned with the symbol of the Lord Jobs Almighty known as the “Time Capsule”.

Strong in his faith, the user booted in safe mode, then once again attempted to install the Holy Snow Leopard from there.

As he waited for the Lord Jobs to intercede, he ate delicious Thai food at his computer, as his housemate had a date downstairs.

By way of a miracle there had only been five fish cakes and two roti bread in this holiest of feasts, which somehow managed to feed the multitude of one person. A glass of water that had been nearby remained, to the great surprise of all, a glass of water.

And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth; part due to the problem at hand, and the rubbery texture of the fish cakes.

And Lo! The Lord Jobs did answer the call, and expedite the second installation attempt of the Holy Snow Leopard by several minutes.

But on rebooting the system, the man discovered that a successful installation on this second attempt was not so. And the faithful follower of The Lord Jobs Almighty did cry out into the night; his iMac a large, unwieldy, stylish looking brick.

“My lord, why have you forsaken me?” he again asked.

The user lay down to sleep, his eyes heavy and dry. Night terrors visited him. On waking, he once again attempted to rectify the problem using the Ark of the Time Capsule.

In this trying time, the user lost his faith, and contemplated becoming a PC-using atheist once again. Then he fired up his heathen device known as the EeePC, once again experiencing the inherent shitness of anything containing the flying stained glass window. The user cried out in existential despair, and contemplated dropping the sacred toaster in the holy bathtub.

Here endeth the reading from the Book of Jobs.

And now, please stand for hymn 68.

I’m slowly, painfully, but determinedly getting the hang of this life thing.